Wait what month is it? Oh, and what day is it?

So this past year I cycled up and down 3 times. And each time I didn't really notice until it was too late. I would suddenly be behind at work, with an inbox of unanswered emails from two weeks ago and a feeling that I'd been asleep at the wheel. 

You would think that at this point in my life I would have clued in to the fact that something was terribly wrong with me. After all, I'd been diagnosed as depressive back in 2001 and been on medication since then. Everything should have been ok. But no....

The most recent time I cycled was in Jan/Feb. And by mid-Feb I found myself in a small room with a frustrated boss who wanted me to succeed. She wanted me to tell her what I needed to be successful. How could she help me be successful. And why were we having this discussion again.

After that meeting I started to put some pieces together. I'd gone off my meds - again - and had been on auto-pilot. I'd been sitting in my cube, staring at my computer, locked inside my head. I'd stopped doing things I loved - again - and my art supplies and piano were covered in dust and piles of paperwork. I was exhausted by 5:00 and "stretching out on the bed" after work only to wake up at 7:00 or even 8:00 to a hungry but resigned family.

When I cycle, decision-making becomes really painful. I come to a full stop and can't make simple choices let alone the complex decisions my job demands. So small tasks get left undone because "I can't think I'll do that later", emails get left unread because "I'm tired I'll read that later". And before I know it, days or even weeks have passed in a unproductive haze. 

Then comes the wake-up call.

Usually the wake-up call is a missed deadline with an unhappy employee who has escalated up the chain trying to find out where their stuff is and why they aren't getting any answers. Then the stress and anxiety kick in and I jump into over-drive, staying up until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, desperately going through my email, tracking down work, identifying missing assignments and begging vendors to rush work through so I can land on time. Or close to on time. Nothing motivates me like panic.

After that mid-Feb meeting, I realized that I had gone through this cycle of ok-depression-panic-ok way more than I'd realized. That I'd given up taking my meds which had only fueled the problem.

I felt backed into a corner by demons that I thought had been controlled. And now the demons might be costing me my job.

Finding Fearless - or, "finding the fearless blog I hid in the bottom of the underwear drawer."

Below is a post I wrote almost a year ago. I never posted it because after I wrote it I was horrified at how I sounded, embarrassed by what I was feeling and not ready to come out of the closet about my life.

Since last May there have been some significant ups and downs in my life. I've cycled down and back up 2 more times since May 2013 - once in Oct 2013 and again in Feb of 2014. I am looking back now and realizing what these cycles mean, and what they've cost me.

So, what to do. This blog has been nagging me for months, tickling the edges of my thoughts whenever I start to reflect on my depression demon. I can curl right back up in a ball and hide this blog away again. Or I can tear off the bandaid, post it, and stride forward.

I'm opting for tearing off the bandaid. I hope you stride with me this year.

"It's Mother's Day, and I'm numb.

Today is supposed to be about adoring families showering appreciation and love on that one person in the house that keeps it all running. And in the midst of this frantic rush to appreciate, to buy the right gift, get the right card, find the perfect show of love, I'm sitting in a calm like the eye of the storm. Waiting to feel something, anything.

I'm not normally like this but I've been off my meds for a while and it's starting to show. I'm disconnected. I've pulled back from everything around me, more audience than actor. I am feeling the world through cloth. Muffled, dull, inert. And I can't really care enough to change that.

My parents and inlaws don't notice anything really - to them I'm just calm, maybe distracted. Maybe I've had just one too many little sips of champagne. My husband thinks I'm ok, a little tired maybe, perhaps mildly amused that he totally forgot the national mom-day until Friday afternoon. I hope my daughter doesn't see anything wrong with me at all.

But these are the things I see wrong with me:

I'm afraid because
I'm 46
I weigh 60lbs more than I should
I don't have a career - I've recently returned to work and am starting over
I need daily medication to make it through the day

Somewhere in my memories there is a different person, who was not afraid. Who simply had an idea and acted on it. Who didn't have to drag herself through the day because she didn't have the energy to care. Someone who was fearless.

So on the Mother's Day I'm making a mother's pledge to myself. To get back on my meds. To lose the dead weight both physical and mental. To find my fearless."