Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Finding Fearless - or, "finding the fearless blog I hid in the bottom of the underwear drawer."

Below is a post I wrote almost a year ago. I never posted it because after I wrote it I was horrified at how I sounded, embarrassed by what I was feeling and not ready to come out of the closet about my life.

Since last May there have been some significant ups and downs in my life. I've cycled down and back up 2 more times since May 2013 - once in Oct 2013 and again in Feb of 2014. I am looking back now and realizing what these cycles mean, and what they've cost me.

So, what to do. This blog has been nagging me for months, tickling the edges of my thoughts whenever I start to reflect on my depression demon. I can curl right back up in a ball and hide this blog away again. Or I can tear off the bandaid, post it, and stride forward.

I'm opting for tearing off the bandaid. I hope you stride with me this year.

"It's Mother's Day, and I'm numb.

Today is supposed to be about adoring families showering appreciation and love on that one person in the house that keeps it all running. And in the midst of this frantic rush to appreciate, to buy the right gift, get the right card, find the perfect show of love, I'm sitting in a calm like the eye of the storm. Waiting to feel something, anything.

I'm not normally like this but I've been off my meds for a while and it's starting to show. I'm disconnected. I've pulled back from everything around me, more audience than actor. I am feeling the world through cloth. Muffled, dull, inert. And I can't really care enough to change that.

My parents and inlaws don't notice anything really - to them I'm just calm, maybe distracted. Maybe I've had just one too many little sips of champagne. My husband thinks I'm ok, a little tired maybe, perhaps mildly amused that he totally forgot the national mom-day until Friday afternoon. I hope my daughter doesn't see anything wrong with me at all.

But these are the things I see wrong with me:

I'm afraid because
I'm 46
I weigh 60lbs more than I should
I don't have a career - I've recently returned to work and am starting over
I need daily medication to make it through the day

Somewhere in my memories there is a different person, who was not afraid. Who simply had an idea and acted on it. Who didn't have to drag herself through the day because she didn't have the energy to care. Someone who was fearless.

So on the Mother's Day I'm making a mother's pledge to myself. To get back on my meds. To lose the dead weight both physical and mental. To find my fearless."


  1. First off...I know exactly how you feel. I, too, suffer the cycles of depression. Why do you go off your meds? I would give up food begore giving up my meds. Still have some downs, but can't imagine my life without my meds.

    1. You know the meds thing is tricky - I go for a very long time with no trouble staying on them and being very regular. Then something will happen to upset the routine - a schedule change or distraction - and before I know it I'm in trouble. It's a constant challenge for me to stay ahead of my brain.