Oh crap I outed myself. Twice.

So I meant to sneak into the blogging world quietly. Stealthily. No one I knew would know what I was up to and I could be completely anonymous. I could blog about my life, fears, demons, in complete safety.

Pfft. That was short-lived.

Outing Take #1:
I created a Facebook page to promote this blog and post sarcastic memes. Facebook suggested that I ask my "Friends" to "like" the new page. So I selected a few from my list thinking I was soooo clever.

Immediately the responses came in - "Oh I didn't know that about you", which always makes me cringe because why is "you" in italics.

But I also got some "Hey I feel that too. Thanks for sharing" Which made me feel good and kinda like a super hero.

Outing Take #2:
I posted to another depression site about my new blog and it immediately Facebook announced it in my own news feed. Which meant I was out in the open to everyone of my "Friends". Which also meant my family....who may simply shrug and say "well duh", or may offer me meds with my wine next Thanksgiving.

So here I now am.

Totally exposed.

CYBER-NAKED.

It's terrifying because I wasn't ready for certain people (aka my family) to know what I was up to. And now they do.

My demons are hovering in the background, waiting to see if this means it's time for them to party or to sulk in the closet.

So far they are sulking, but I'll keep you posted.

Lost my job, but at least my demons are happy.

So my company went through  layoff recently and I was on the hit list. I work in marketing so it makes sense - companies always trim marketing when profits go down. And I was the last one hired on my team, so "last in, first out" applies. So I'm footloose and fancy free again. At least my demons are happy.

My demons really like it when I'm not running full throttle. They like to nibble at my self-esteem - "you failed....you're terrible at your job....you weren't worth fighting for....". They like to impose on my private time - "come on, you know you should just take a nap, what else do you have to do?". And they really love to laugh at me - "oh you don't really want to 'clean the house/do crafting/practice the piano/do anything at all', it's so much easier to just become inert and let us whisper at you all day".

Bastards.

Those are my worst moments. I feel an incredible amount of guilt that I let the demons get to me and ruin my job performance.

But in my better moments I realize that while the reasons I was let go might have been performance-driven, they might also have just been pure economics.

And at my best moments I acknowledge that my company is being very generous and they are basically paying me to get my head together and make a fresh start.

I try to stay with my best moments. My demons start to sulk and go back into the closet, grumbling and rattling their nails. I've been job hunting, working on some big projects around the house, making to-do lists to keep me focused. Trying to do anything but get lured to my bed for "a quick nap".

It doesn't make my demons happy when I do this, but it does make me happy.

Yay!